Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Horror Movies Reviews and Recommendations

Reviews By Jon Hanka

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Kill Count: 5, only one is by a chainsaw



Full Frontal:0

Black People: 1, he’s the truck driver at the end of the film.

Quotes: “That’s the last goddamn hitchhiker I ever pick up.”

Narrator: “The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

High’s: Dude in wheelchair tumbling down a hill while pissing, crazy hitchhiker in the van, old man beating the girl with a brook, a girl being hung alive on a meat hook.

The sound effects and gritty filmmaking.

More High’s: LEATHER FUCKING FACE, the tension during the dinner scene, the man being ran over by a 16 wheeler, grandpa trying to use a mallet on a girl’s head.

Repeat Viewing? Duh. Here’s some fun facts: Alternate titles for the film included "Headcheese", "Leatherface" and "Stalking Leatherface".

During the dinner scene when Leatherface cuts the girl's finger, he actually does cut her finger because they couldn't get the fake blood to come out of the tube behind the blade.

Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface) didn’t like Tobe Hooper so during the last scene when he’s swinging the REAL chainsaw around he tries to swing it towards Tobe who was behind the camera.

On one of the last days of shooting the cast and crew ate pot brownies while filming inside the house.

The soundtrack contains the sounds an animal would hear inside a slaughterhouse.

Return of The Living Dead

Kill Count: 15

Tits: 7

Ass: 3

Full Frontal: 3

Black People: 1. He sports a Rick James Jheri Curl and looks eerily like Arsenio Hall.

Quotes: “The events portrayed in this film are all real. The names are real names of real people and real organizations.”

“Leak? Hell No! These things were made by the U.S. army corps of engineers.” (Hits the barrel and gas leaks out)

“Brains…More brains!”

Highs: TARMAN! slutty punk chick stripping in the cemetery while talking about being eaten alive…BONER. Sawing a zombie’s head off, midget zombie eating brains.

Low’s: I would like to have seen more gore, but overall it’s a cool premise and I don’t have many complaints about the movie.

Repeat Viewing? Yea. I think it’s a cool zombie flick with some comedic moments and a sweet punk soundtrack. The creators self-reference their other movie Night of the Living dead and even make up some more rules for the zombie genre.


Kill Count: 3

Tits: 0

Ass: 0

Full Frontal: 0

Black People: 1 in the background at the hospital wearing a red tuxedo. Weird.

Quotes: this movie is very quotable. “Fuck you and Fuck your disco ball!”

“She’s my girl now. That mean nobody gets to put their fingers inside her but me. Can you believe I just said that?”

High’s: a Fat Daniel Stern with a chainsaw, awesome 80’s soundtrack, Otis prematurely ejaculating then punching a girl in the face, curling iron burning a man’s tongue off.

Realizing I might be Otis in 10 years.

Low’s: No Tits… What the fuck, man?

Repeat Viewing? Some good comedy mixed with some violence. Plus A Creepy dude reliving high school and torturing girls in cheerleader outfits. AKA definitely.

The Gingerdead Man

Kill Count: 6

Tits: 0

Ass: 0

Full Frontal: 0

Black People: 0. Black people don’t work in bakeries

Quotes: “what the hell is that?” “It sure ain’t the Pillsbury fucking doughboy.”

“Killsbury Dough Boy.”

Highs: Gary Busey pissing on what’s left of his career. Old lady who works at the bakery holding a bottle of jack and a shotgun. Gingerdead man cutting a finger off with a butcher knife. A 12-inch Gingerdead man driving a car and using a gun…exactly.

Low’s: Worst use of a music library. Too much plot/shitty music. The same music is also used in evil bong.

Repeat Viewing? 70 minutes is longer then you think. Fast-forward through the talking and just watch the Gingerdead man does his thing.

Sorority House Massacre

Kill Count: 9

Tits: 6


Full Frontal:0

Black People: 0. I don’t think black people existed in the 1980’s.

Quotes: “I’m not Laura, you son of a bitch!”

Highs: A guy getting hit in the nuts

Low’s: Undecipherable plot. I still don’t know what happened. The death scenes sucked hard too.

Repeat Viewing? This movie has no redeeming qualities. Have your friend punch you in the face until you black out instead of watching this shitty movie.

Evil Bong

Kill Count: 3

Tits: 12

Ass: 2

Full Frontal:0

Black People: 0

Quotes: “Every high is an amazing high. Just like there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob.” “…Bullshit!”

Highs: an appearance by the Gingerdead man! Great crossover. Death by a blowjob. Tommy Chong putting hot wheels on a strippers implants and saying “this ones got a hill to climb.”

Low’s: Ama Reeves snoring while I was reviewing this movie, watching it sober, the characters talking and not dying, and the character Alistair being a complete and utter faggot.

Repeat Viewing? If you like weed don’t rent this movie…Buzz Kill

The Burning

Kill Count: 9

Tits: 2

Ass: 1

Full Frontal: 1

Black People: 1, as the overenthusiastic orderly.

Quotes: “Every year he kills. Right now he's out there. Watching. Waiting. So don't look; he'll see you. Don't breathe; he'll hear you. Don't move; you're dead!”

Man, this guy is so burned, he's cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone! You know what I mean?”

Highs: The death scenes are incredibly violent and graphic. Thank Tom Savini again. The testosterone levels are at an ultimate high in this movie. Also Jason Alexander with hair.

Low’s: This movie has no faults. It’s my favorite 80’s slasher flick. Ballsy but true.

Repeat Viewing? Yeah this is probably the most underrated horror movie of the 80’s. I watched this movie so many times in the past few months. This is also the first Miramax/Weinstein film.


Kill Count: 6 and 1 cat

Tits: 2


Full Frontal: 1

Black People: 1, he’s the security guard.

Quotes: “You killed him!” “… I gave him life!”

“What if we get caught?” “What’ll they do? Embalm us?”

“Who’s going to believe a talking head? Get a job in the sideshow!”

Highs: Awesome intro, and the opening score during the titles is an homage to psycho. Reanimated Cat trying to attack people and a headless man feeling up a girl are also cool.


Repeat Viewing? There’s a reason this movie is heralded as a classic.

The Prowler

Kill count: 8

Tits: 2

Ass: 0

Full Frontal:0

Black People: 0. This is an 1980 slasher flick.

Quotes: Not very quotable, but it doesn’t need any.

High’s: Tom Savini does the effects so you see lots of bloody gore including a head exploding and death scenes that feature a pitch fork. Oh yea there’s some good tension and the last scene of the movie is fucking awesome.

Low’s: read above. This movie rules

Repeat Viewing? Yes. Good amount of Tension and blood to sustain a viewer’s attention

Demon Knight

Kill Count: Humans: 6 Demons: 8 Possessed Humans: 6

Tits: 11. You can thank Uncle Willy.

Ass: 1

Full Frontal: 0

Black People: 3, the most out of all the horror movies I reviewed.

Quotes: “Frights. Camera. Action.”

“God dammit get that pussy off the table!… I meant the cat.”

Highs: Billy Zane punches a hole through a cop’s head.

Low’s: I only wish there were more movies featuring the crypt keeper.

Repeat Viewing? Yes. The movie has a cool plot based around a guardian protecting a key that if let into the wrong hands can open the gates of hell. What’s not to love?

No comments: